Searching For What's True

by Eli Conley

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1.	Making Something New 03:07	lyrics	buy track
Some afternoons the words come easy Some days they all sound wrong to me Sometimes the notes fall out exactly where I want them But I often chase them down for weeks So when I face the empty pages I try to trust the mystery I’ve spent long hours circling spirits Come back with bruises on my knees I don’t know why I need to do this To keep on searching for what’s true I only know that when I stop I ache So I keep making something new I love trans folks with all my being We paint our lives in vibrant hues Scribble outside the lines we’re given And we make our own damn dancing shoes I don’t know why we need to do this To keep on searching for what’s true I only know that when I stop I ache So I keep making something new Finding beauty in the wreckage Making meaning of the grief When we tell our stories right we find release I don’t know why we need to do this To keep on searching for what’s true I only know that when I stop I ache So I keep making something new Making something new
2.	My Mama is a Shining Light 02:30	lyrics	buy track
My mom was at the organ under Jesus’ fiery body   She raised us to love God and to do right   She would open up her mouth and all the high notes would spill out   My mama is a shining light My mama stretched her arms out and she held me to her chest   She whispered to me softly in the night   That Monica, my choir director, would be moving in   My mom said “she’s my shining light” And oh I looked at Jesus on the wall   And wondered what he thought    The school bus came next morning and I clutched my stuffy bear   The kids from church they would not meet my eye   I took a breath and stood right up, my tears all running down   I said my mom has spent all of her life here in this town   As far as I’m concerned I think my mom should wear a crown  My mama is a shining light   My mama is a shining light
3.	Alone 03:36	lyrics	buy track
I am hungry for some company  And I have no idea how long I’ll wait  To touch another friend or lover   Ain’t nobody knows just how long this will take   I try to focus on the positive   Still I wonder just how long I will live   Alone  Alone  Alone  Alone I go out walking, rain is dropping  On my head it almost feels like a caress  I call up Linda in West Virginia  She is tucking Joe and Laila into bed  I try to catch her in the hour she’s got  We make love across the lines, pretend we’re not   Alone  Alone  Alone   Every couple of days  I take a drive around the neighborhood  There are people who wave  I say hello, oh yes I try to be good  But this skin longs for touch   I never knew how much until I lost it   I am tired of the bullshit  That these politicians think we wanna hear  They blame another and run for cover  While we’re trying just to live out all our years  Now I worry every time that I cough  If I get sick I will not be better off   Alone  Alone  Alone  Alone
4.	We Are Sailing 03:29	lyrics	buy track
We broke the atmosphere an hour ago  The earth is falling fast below  I look over at you, you’ve got the same look too  I wonder will it be like this, two astronauts who long to kiss? We are sailing across the stars across the sky  We are together, you and I, could we find love?  We are sailing across the stars across the moon  So close together in this room, could we find love?  We are sailing   Sometimes we let ourselves go floating free  And you come swimming up to me  We look down at the earth, so full of joy and hurt  And wonder if we shouldn’t stay , here on our own, out of the fray Sailing across the stars across the sky  We are together, you and I, and we found love  We are sailing across the stars across the moon  So close together in this room and we found love   We are sailing    And if we have to fix the satellite  I think we’ll get it right   I had a dream last night   One day we’ll fly back home through all the clouds  Splash down at sea and look around  Take our first breath of air while we are lying there  I’ll wrap my arms around your chest  And go outside to greet the press Sailing across the stars across the sky  We are together, you and I, and we found love  We are sailing across the stars across the moon  So close together in this room and we found love   We are sailing
5.	I Don't Wanna Hurt 03:51	lyrics	buy track
I know it will take time to heal my wounds  But I wish it were sooner cause I’m in pain  I know that everybody’s got an answer  An uncle who had cancer till magic came  But I have tried all of the doctors folks suggest  So now I think it’s time to let my body rest I don’t wanna hurt anymore I don’t wanna hurt I don’t wanna hurt anymore I don’t wanna hurt I play guitar and feel the sharp wave comin’ Soon my hands are hummin’ with this ache I go right on because these songs are not a choice If I don’t use my voice I might just break And so I keep on muscling through and I ignore That every minute that I spend leaves me more sore I don’t wanna hurt anymore I don’t wanna hurt I don’t wanna hurt anymore I don’t wanna hurt I still remember how it felt when I was young Hard not to wonder if this means that I am done I’m trying to let myself get quiet And listen to the silence of the dirt When I do I hear that I don’t have to worry But if I try to hurry it won’t work And so I listen to the way my body feels While I keep searching for the ways that I can heal  I don’t wanna hurt anymore I don’t wanna hurt I don’t wanna hurt anymore I don’t wanna hurt anymore
6.	All Right 03:11	lyrics	buy track
I was all right  Till you came by to tell me you were gone Now all that I can do is sing sad songs Try to carry on Thought we were holding tight But you’d been lying in his arms for months You could have told me baby just the once I mighta’ had some hunch I don’t need to know what his name is I have heard all I can hear I can’t get back these years You used to tell me That I was like no one you’d ever met You wanted all of me that you could get Now there’s nothing left I don’t need to know where you met him But if I can ask one thing What did you think this would bring? If you had told me you were lonely I would have listened But now it’s too late and I see no way Back to forgiveness But you ain’t asking that In fact your heart left a long time ago And if I’m honest part of me did know I felt you go I don’t need to know where you’re going But if you come back this way There’ll be nothing left to say
7.	Hey That's Me 03:23	lyrics	buy track
There may come a time when your body don’t feel easy  And in order to be free it has to change There may come a time when your gender it just fractures And you have to take some action, rearrange If it's that time you've got to tell 'em who you are When you've been asking every star that they would see Hey that's me! That's me Hey that's who I hoped I'd be I've been dreaming that the world would finally see Hey that's me There may come a time when your voice is not so faithful And you cannot sing a mouthful of what you need There may come a time when your songs will feel too heavy And your breath is too unsteady for the deed If it's that time you've got to find some way to sing Though every single thing in you disagrees Hey that's me! That's me Hey that's how I've tried to be I've been dreaming that the world would finally see That who I am today is made up of the me's I stripped away There may come a time when your wrinkles are like spiders And they keep on getting wider in the sun There may come a time when you find out you're an elder So you hold out your umbrella for the young Hey that's me! That's me Hey that's how I hope I'll be I've been dreaming that someday we'll all be free Hey that’s me
8.	I Don't Know 04:31	lyrics	buy track
I woke up Monday and I didn’t check the news  Hardly seems to matter anymore  I fall so easily into the gloom and doom My back and shoulders feeling sore I know that that’s just what they want They jibe and bully, scream and taunt But what am I supposed to do?  Hey I don’t know I keep on walking in the sun trying to unfurl How to hold the deep injustice in this world Hey I don’t know Hey I don’t know I go out wandering in the woods to breathe the air The eucalyptus dropping leaves I lay beside an oak and catch it in my stare I wonder if a forest grieves For what it feels is yet to come The planet warming in the sun  And what is there for it to do? Hey I don’t know I keep on walking in the sun trying to unfurl How to hold the deep injustice in this world Hey I don’t know Hey I don’t know And there’s nobody on the way to save us Yeah there’s nobody on the way I watch the evening gather gold into the trees The clouds turn purple, red, and pink I know the colors come from ashes on the breeze But it’s still beautiful, I think I’m gonna keep on making jokes I’m gonna march with other folks And try to trust that we’ll get through I guess that’s all that we can do Hey I don’t know I keep on walking in the sun trying to unfurl How to hold the deep injustice in this world Hey I don’t know Hey I don’t know
9.	I Miss You 02:14	lyrics	buy track
You said you wanted to die  We said we want you to live  But you were near 95 And we were just selfish kids And you were trying to be real I can’t imagine just how hard that was to do I miss you You said you’d lived long enough And you were ready to go You did your crosswords at noon Then fell asleep to your shows You were so tired of that screen I can’t imagine just how hard it was for you Still I miss you Everybody knows that death will come to claim them in the end But I do suppose for you he was a long awaited friend When it was nearing the time I hope your heart still felt clear And that the call of beyond Was a mercy to hear Cause you were finally free I can’t imagine what it felt like passing through I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you
10.	We Keep Each Other Safe 02:38	lyrics	buy track
It’s not enough to be not racist   We gotta be anti-racist   And link up with the millions of people of color longing to be free   From this culture of death   Our white ancestors left   Find our humanity And then get rid of the cop on the block   Get rid of the cop in our head and our heart  We’ll be so much better off   When we keep each other safe Now imagine this  Somebody breaks in your house and they steal your stuff   Cause they needed money to feed their kids and they can’t find a job   So a community safety team  Finds out what they need   And they help them find a good job   And they apologize and pay you back every cent We can get rid of the cop on the block   Get rid of the cop in our head and our heart  We’ll be so much better off   When we keep each other safe Does this sound totally impossible?   Like a science fiction dream   Well that’s what they said about slavery and ending Jim Crow   The institutions our ancestors made   Can be un-made if we make it so! And we get rid of the cop on the block   Get rid of the cop in our head and our heart  We’ll be so much better off   When we keep each other safe And we get rid of the cop on the block   Get rid of the cop in our head and our heart  We’ll be so much better off   When we keep each other safe
11.	Let Them See Me 03:00	lyrics	buy track
Gotta put on a full face of makeup  Gotta match my earrings to belt  I gotta style my hair just right, squeeze into heels that feel so tight   I gotta be better than myself   I scroll my phone while making breakfast  Perfect pictures flashing by  I choose a filter for my post, I pick the one that hides the most  Trying to look better than myself Don’t let them see me  Cause I don’t think that I would measure up  Don’t let them see me  Cause being me is never quite enough   I sit down at the table  With my notebook and my pen   If I write what’s on my heart, will people care about my art?   Wish I could be better than myself Can I let them see me? When I don’t think that I would measure up ? Can I let them see me?  Cause being me is never quite enough  What if I died and no one ever saw me?  Would I have been here at all?  What if the cost of staying hidden is greater than the risk?   Only the folks who never fly never fall If I let them see me  What if I measure up?   Wanna let them see me   Cause being me is actually enough  Being me is actually enough

about

Eli Conley's third album Searching for What's True explores themes of uncertainty, ache, and loss, yet light shines through the clouds again and again. The songs are drawn from the concrete and immediate details of daily life: a stuffed animal clutched in a child's arms, a colorful sunset after a forest fire, a statue of a Confederate general toppling to the ground.

Eli's voice is tender and heartfelt, with melodies that can leave you teary-eyed yet hopeful. As a queer transgender man from the South, his songs tell stories that aren’t always reflected in roots music. On the album's first single "Making Something New," Eli describes the work of an artist as "finding beauty in the wreckage / making meaning of the grief / when we tell our stories true we find release." His deep belief in the transformative power of creativity stems not only from his own experience, but his many years leading singing and songwriting classes for queer and transgender people and allies.

Searching for What's True is Eli's first release since being
diagnosed with a serious repetitive stress injury that forced
him to stop playing music for many months. After wrist
surgery and careful rehab, he came back to songwriting with
a renewed sense of purpose. The resulting album is a testament to the power of the creative spirit. At times it's hushed and intimate, at others soaring and dramatic. At the heart of Searching for What's True is Eli's singular voice, urging us to stay open to our grief and our joy.

credits

released July 14, 2023

All songs written by Eli Conley © 2023 (BMI) except “Let Them See Me” written by Eli Conley & Pamela Machala

Recorded at Tiny Telephone Studios in Oakland, CA
Co-Produced by Eli Conley & Maryam Qudus with help from Joel Price, “the man with the golden earballs”

Engineered & Mixed by Maryam Qudus
Mastered by Jacob Winik
Photography by Brooke Porter
Artwork & Design by Adam Rothberg

Acoustic Guitar & Vocals - Eli Conley
Cello - Conrad Sisk
Violin, Mandolin - Joel Price
Upright & Electric Bass - James Touzel
Percussion - Jesse Loren Strickman
Background Vocals - Joel Price & Briget Boyle
Background Vocal Arrangements - Joel Price
String Arrangements on 4, 5, 10 - Joel Price
Choir & Handclaps on 10 - Conrad, Jesse, Joel & Eli

A BIG thank you to: My parents Pat Isaacs and Steve Conley, my sister Kai Conley, my husband Tobie Klibansky, my songwriting buddies Talia Cooper, Maia “MJoy” Wiitala, Jesse Loren Strickman, Casey Armstrong, and Juls Cohn, the incredible community of musicians who came together to make this record, my students, and everyone who chipped in to make this album possible including Alana, Mattie & Wren; Ash McCormick, CiCi Eberle, and Wynde Vastine.

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about

Eli Conley Sacramento, California

Eli Conley is an indie folk singer-songwriter and activist based in Sacramento, CA. He makes music for queer and trans folks, justice seekers, and anyone who doesn’t fit easily in a box. Eli's voice is tender and heartfelt, with melodies and that can leave you feeling teary-eyed yet hopeful. As a gay trans man from the South, his songs tell stories that aren’t always reflected in roots music. ... more

shows

May 3

Cornerstone

Berkeley, CA

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