1. |
Making Something New
03:07
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Some afternoons the words come easy
Some days they all sound wrong to me
Sometimes the notes fall out exactly where I want them
But I often chase them down for weeks
So when I face the empty pages
I try to trust the mystery
I’ve spent long hours circling spirits
Come back with bruises on my knees
I don’t know why I need to do this
To keep on searching for what’s true
I only know that when I stop I ache
So I keep making something new
I love trans folks with all my being
We paint our lives in vibrant hues
Scribble outside the lines we’re given
And we make our own damn dancing shoes
I don’t know why we need to do this
To keep on searching for what’s true
I only know that when I stop I ache
So I keep making something new
Finding beauty in the wreckage
Making meaning of the grief
When we tell our stories right we find release
I don’t know why we need to do this
To keep on searching for what’s true
I only know that when I stop I ache
So I keep making something new
Making something new
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2. |
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My mom was at the organ under Jesus’ fiery body
She raised us to love God and to do right
She would open up her mouth and all the high notes would spill out
My mama is a shining light
My mama stretched her arms out and she held me to her chest
She whispered to me softly in the night
That Monica, my choir director, would be moving in
My mom said “she’s my shining light”
And oh I looked at Jesus on the wall
And wondered what he thought
The school bus came next morning and I clutched my stuffy bear
The kids from church they would not meet my eye
I took a breath and stood right up, my tears all running down
I said my mom has spent all of her life here in this town
As far as I’m concerned I think my mom should wear a crown
My mama is a shining light
My mama is a shining light
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3. |
Alone
03:36
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I am hungry for some company
And I have no idea how long I’ll wait
To touch another friend or lover
Ain’t nobody knows just how long this will take
I try to focus on the positive
Still I wonder just how long I will live
Alone
Alone
Alone
Alone
I go out walking, rain is dropping
On my head it almost feels like a caress
I call up Linda in West Virginia
She is tucking Joe and Laila into bed
I try to catch her in the hour she’s got
We make love across the lines, pretend we’re not
Alone
Alone
Alone
Every couple of days
I take a drive around the neighborhood
There are people who wave
I say hello, oh yes I try to be good
But this skin longs for touch
I never knew how much until I lost it
I am tired of the bullshit
That these politicians think we wanna hear
They blame another and run for cover
While we’re trying just to live out all our years
Now I worry every time that I cough
If I get sick I will not be better off
Alone
Alone
Alone
Alone
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4. |
We Are Sailing
03:29
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We broke the atmosphere an hour ago
The earth is falling fast below
I look over at you, you’ve got the same look too
I wonder will it be like this, two astronauts who long to kiss?
We are sailing across the stars across the sky
We are together, you and I, could we find love?
We are sailing across the stars across the moon
So close together in this room, could we find love?
We are sailing
Sometimes we let ourselves go floating free
And you come swimming up to me
We look down at the earth, so full of joy and hurt
And wonder if we shouldn’t stay
, here on our own, out of the fray
Sailing across the stars across the sky
We are together, you and I, and we found love
We are sailing across the stars across the moon
So close together in this room and we found love
We are sailing
And if we have to fix the satellite
I think we’ll get it right
I had a dream last night
One day we’ll fly back home through all the clouds
Splash down at sea and look around
Take our first breath of air while we are lying there
I’ll wrap my arms around your chest
And go outside to greet the press
Sailing across the stars across the sky
We are together, you and I, and we found love
We are sailing across the stars across the moon
So close together in this room and we found love
We are sailing
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5. |
I Don't Wanna Hurt
03:51
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I know it will take time to heal my wounds
But I wish it were sooner cause I’m in pain
I know that everybody’s got an answer
An uncle who had cancer till magic came
But I have tried all of the doctors folks suggest
So now I think it’s time to let my body rest
I don’t wanna hurt anymore
I don’t wanna hurt
I don’t wanna hurt anymore
I don’t wanna hurt
I play guitar and feel the sharp wave comin’
Soon my hands are hummin’ with this ache
I go right on because these songs are not a choice
If I don’t use my voice I might just break
And so I keep on muscling through and I ignore
That every minute that I spend leaves me more sore
I don’t wanna hurt anymore
I don’t wanna hurt
I don’t wanna hurt anymore
I don’t wanna hurt
I still remember how it felt when I was young
Hard not to wonder if this means that I am done
I’m trying to let myself get quiet
And listen to the silence of the dirt
When I do I hear that I don’t have to worry
But if I try to hurry it won’t work
And so I listen to the way my body feels
While I keep searching for the ways that I can heal
I don’t wanna hurt anymore
I don’t wanna hurt
I don’t wanna hurt anymore
I don’t wanna hurt anymore
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6. |
All Right
03:11
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I was all right
Till you came by to tell me you were gone
Now all that I can do is sing sad songs
Try to carry on
Thought we were holding tight
But you’d been lying in his arms for months
You could have told me baby just the once
I mighta’ had some hunch
I don’t need to know what his name is
I have heard all I can hear
I can’t get back these years
You used to tell me
That I was like no one you’d ever met
You wanted all of me that you could get
Now there’s nothing left
I don’t need to know where you met him
But if I can ask one thing
What did you think this would bring?
If you had told me you were lonely
I would have listened
But now it’s too late and I see no way
Back to forgiveness
But you ain’t asking that
In fact your heart left a long time ago
And if I’m honest part of me did know
I felt you go
I don’t need to know where you’re going
But if you come back this way
There’ll be nothing left to say
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7. |
Hey That's Me
03:23
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There may come a time when your body don’t feel easy
And in order to be free it has to change
There may come a time when your gender it just fractures
And you have to take some action, rearrange
If it's that time you've got to tell 'em who you are
When you've been asking every star that they would see
Hey that's me! That's me
Hey that's who I hoped I'd be
I've been dreaming that the world would finally see
Hey that's me
There may come a time when your voice is not so faithful
And you cannot sing a mouthful of what you need
There may come a time when your songs will feel too heavy
And your breath is too unsteady for the deed
If it's that time you've got to find some way to sing
Though every single thing in you disagrees
Hey that's me! That's me
Hey that's how I've tried to be
I've been dreaming that the world would finally see
That who I am today is made up of the me's I stripped away
There may come a time when your wrinkles are like spiders
And they keep on getting wider in the sun
There may come a time when you find out you're an elder
So you hold out your umbrella for the young
Hey that's me! That's me
Hey that's how I hope I'll be
I've been dreaming that someday we'll all be free
Hey that’s me
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8. |
I Don't Know
04:31
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I woke up Monday and I didn’t check the news
Hardly seems to matter anymore
I fall so easily into the gloom and doom
My back and shoulders feeling sore
I know that that’s just what they want
They jibe and bully, scream and taunt
But what am I supposed to do?
Hey I don’t know
I keep on walking in the sun trying to unfurl
How to hold the deep injustice in this world
Hey I don’t know
Hey I don’t know
I go out wandering in the woods to breathe the air
The eucalyptus dropping leaves
I lay beside an oak and catch it in my stare
I wonder if a forest grieves
For what it feels is yet to come
The planet warming in the sun
And what is there for it to do?
Hey I don’t know
I keep on walking in the sun trying to unfurl
How to hold the deep injustice in this world
Hey I don’t know
Hey I don’t know
And there’s nobody on the way to save us
Yeah there’s nobody on the way
I watch the evening gather gold into the trees
The clouds turn purple, red, and pink
I know the colors come from ashes on the breeze
But it’s still beautiful, I think
I’m gonna keep on making jokes
I’m gonna march with other folks
And try to trust that we’ll get through
I guess that’s all that we can do
Hey I don’t know
I keep on walking in the sun trying to unfurl
How to hold the deep injustice in this world
Hey I don’t know
Hey I don’t know
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9. |
I Miss You
02:14
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You said you wanted to die
We said we want you to live
But you were near 95
And we were just selfish kids
And you were trying to be real
I can’t imagine just how hard that was to do
I miss you
You said you’d lived long enough
And you were ready to go
You did your crosswords at noon
Then fell asleep to your shows
You were so tired of that screen
I can’t imagine just how hard it was for you
Still I miss you
Everybody knows that death will come to claim them in the end
But I do suppose for you he was a long awaited friend
When it was nearing the time
I hope your heart still felt clear
And that the call of beyond
Was a mercy to hear
Cause you were finally free
I can’t imagine what it felt like passing through
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
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10. |
We Keep Each Other Safe
02:38
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It’s not enough to be not racist
We gotta be anti-racist
And link up with the millions of people of color longing to be free
From this culture of death
Our white ancestors left
Find our humanity
And then get rid of the cop on the block
Get rid of the cop in our head and our heart
We’ll be so much better off
When we keep each other safe
Now imagine this
Somebody breaks in your house and they steal your stuff
Cause they needed money to feed their kids and they can’t find a job
So a community safety team
Finds out what they need
And they help them find a good job
And they apologize and pay you back every cent
We can get rid of the cop on the block
Get rid of the cop in our head and our heart
We’ll be so much better off
When we keep each other safe
Does this sound totally impossible?
Like a science fiction dream
Well that’s what they said about slavery and ending Jim Crow
The institutions our ancestors made
Can be un-made if we make it so!
And we get rid of the cop on the block
Get rid of the cop in our head and our heart
We’ll be so much better off
When we keep each other safe
And we get rid of the cop on the block
Get rid of the cop in our head and our heart
We’ll be so much better off
When we keep each other safe
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11. |
Let Them See Me
03:00
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Gotta put on a full face of makeup
Gotta match my earrings to belt
I gotta style my hair just right, squeeze into heels that feel so tight
I gotta be better than myself
I scroll my phone while making breakfast
Perfect pictures flashing by
I choose a filter for my post, I pick the one that hides the most
Trying to look better than myself
Don’t let them see me
Cause I don’t think that I would measure up
Don’t let them see me
Cause being me is never quite enough
I sit down at the table
With my notebook and my pen
If I write what’s on my heart, will people care about my art?
Wish I could be better than myself
Can I let them see me?
When I don’t think that I would measure up
?
Can I let them see me?
Cause being me is never quite enough
What if I died and no one ever saw me?
Would I have been here at all?
What if the cost of staying hidden is greater than the risk?
Only the folks who never fly never fall
If I let them see me
What if I measure up?
Wanna let them see me
Cause being me is actually enough
Being me is actually enough
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Eli Conley Sacramento, California
Eli Conley is an indie folk singer-songwriter and activist based in Sacramento, CA. He makes music for queer and trans folks, justice seekers, and anyone who doesn’t fit easily in a box. Eli's voice is tender and heartfelt, with melodies and that can leave you feeling teary-eyed yet hopeful. As a gay trans man from the South, his songs tell stories that aren’t always reflected in roots music. ... more
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